I'm Still

There's a thin line between sanity and insanity. Real and make believe. As of late, I feel like I've been doing the perculator across that mug. I am a woman. A very complex and emotional being. Derived from man and so eloquently created by God. Unrecognizable to myself in my own mirror and more defiant than our mother Eve.  This is me. Trying to find my way in this unfair life. So desperately seeking an intimate relationship with my Redeemer. I hear him. I see him. I feel him. But just as impatient as Sarah, I too am pregnant with a seed. A different kind of seed that will allow God's glory to resignate and do life changing things through me. It was once prophesied, but see just like Sarah, I feel like I know best because my feelings and emotions said so. "If only you would get still", God whispers.          
 
To the women I've so harshly judged, I don't hate you. I hate the me that  I see in you. So simple minded and oblivious to the world. We are all no different. Misguided creatures making emotional decisions and not trusting God and the power we possess from within. Allowing others to define who we are. Measuring our self worth off of someone who really isn't even paying attention. Seeking man's approval over God's grace. Constantly struggling to find peace when peace never left.   Peace is God. God tells us that he will never leave nor forsake us, but yet and still we are always on a journey to "find him." He's not lost. We are lost in what we want, think, and feel. "If only you would get still", God whispers.
 
Fear hovers over like a murderer. Fear wants to rule. Fear wants to bind. Fear wants my soul. Fear is the direct opposite of everything our Creator represents. Fear wants to strip us of everything we hold true in God. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Simple. Our minds are so stifled by the things and people in this world to the point that we are paralyzed with fear and discontentment in our own lives that others would love to have. Nothing is ever good enough. We want what others have. "If only you would get still", God whispers.
 
I now understand Fannie Lou Hamers heart, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." These feelings and emotions are destroying lives and passing on the torch of generational curses. It has to stop. It has to stop with me now.  Helen Keller once said, "Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose." God is a worthy enough purpose. My family is a worthy enough purpose. God, I'm still.